Exhausted...

The fight has gone out of me. I'm so tired of trying to figure out my stupid, complicated life. And I'm sick of people judging me, assuming they can speak for me, tell me how to live, and what the hell I need to be doing with my life to be happy. Especially when they are people I love, care about, and trust, who in turn react negatively, presume to speak for me, and then tell me that I'm going to be miserable. They are right, they know-all, and they can speak for me and mine.

I could be pissed, I could be upset, I could be angry, I could come out fists flying to stand up for myself, make myself heard, and try to be understood.

But I'm too tired. I'm too beaten. I don't have the strength left to stand up and fight with you. Fine. Unfriend me on Facebook. Tell me that I'll be calling you in 10 years when I'm wrong. Scream at me. Yell at me. Beat me into the ground.

At the end of it all... I'm not going to do anything different.

In a week where everything falls apart and goes wrong, like getting wine dumped all over a very expensive outfit and having it effectively ruined; attempting to do a friend a favor and inadvertently cracking his windshield; getting belittled and berated by someone I really respected and looked up to for my apparent choices that (even though they are mormon and I'm heading in a very mormon direction) are going to make me miserable because let's remember that I'm gay and that should be more important than my faith in all regards; and having my civil suit (after 9 months) dropped out from under me without a second thought; when I am to the point where I feel the only other thing that can happen to me to make it any worse is getting run over AGAIN by a car (maybe this time I could die?)...

I will still find the strength to kneel down at the end of the day and Bless and Thank God for my trials, especially the ones that break and burn me. That's inside me, and I don't know how I do it, but it's there and it's me.

I want to give up, and I want to quit, and I want to get a gun... but in the end, I simply kneel down and thank God for destroying me. Again. So I can start picking up the pieces once more.

I'm so tired.

Intimacy

I'm just going to throw this out. I'm stewing and mulling and it's eating at me to blog it all, but I just don't know.

So I'll start here. I want as MUCH Feedback (Caveat: ON TOPIC) as possible with this post. This is a me reaching to the edges (hopefully) of the MoHo/MOM/Gay world.

I want to have some discussion with those who have (or if you know someone who has, please steer me/them in their/my direction) had intimate relations with men, then decided (for whatever reason(s)) to have/try relations with a woman. Those who are in MOM's and think about men and are with women, but have never actually been with a man don't apply to what I want to talk about.

Please if this is you (or you know anyone who fits this) I want to chat/email/call, etc.

Thanks.

Resignation

I'm sick of everything.

I don't want to try anymore.

That's all.